I didn’t realize that I had gotten comfortable. I’d become friends with my anxiety. I’d become besties with my depression. It was a slow progression. Over time, I had fallen away from the consistent routines that helped maintain emotional stability; the things that helped me keep a healthy mindset.
Things I once did consistently, but overtime became inconsistent in:
– Praying daily
– Writing in my gratitude journal daily
– Writing and speaking my goals as positive affirmations daily
– Exercising regularly
– Doing things that I enjoy (i.e. hobbies)
– Spending time outdoors & in natural sunlight
– Meditating daily
Instead of doing those listed above… my days consisted of sleeping, eating, working and stressing. Everyday, I was in survival mode. Wearing a mask all the time, to where I no longer recognized myself anymore. Monday through Friday, I lived for the weekend. When the weekend came, I’d spend most, if not all of my time indoors, unless it was Sunday and I went out to church and to spend time with my husband. I was a complete shell of who I used to be.
I felt stuck, lost and unsure of my purpose. I felt shame, guilt, self conscious and invisible. I hated that I was struggling with depression and not wanting to be here. My anxiety has also gotten significantly worse over the past few years.
My signs of depression included: Lack of energy, lack of motivation, I’d stopped doing things I love and enjoy and if I did try to do those things, it just felt dull and unenjoyable. I did a lot of bed rotting (sleeping and scrolling), I stopped posting on social media apps after falling into comparison trap, I was always complaining, easily overwhelmed and had a low sex drive.
I say my anxiety sky rocketed because things that were once simple for me, became challenging. Things like parking in a parking lot and grocery shopping. I would escalate and begin to panic when walking around a crowded grocery store, I would find myself wanting to just leave the cart where I was and just leave the store without purchasing anything. I would get overwhelmed and panic while driving around the parking lot, looking for a parking spot. I would get overwhelmed with all the pedestrians and other drivers not paying attention and having so many “close calls.” And then there’s social anxiety. This was not something I really experienced until the past year and a half or so.
Now, I’ve always considered myself an ambivert, but these days, I’m more of an introvert than anything. And, that is largely because of social anxiety. Not necessarily because I just enjoy being alone all the time. Over the past year or so, I have become hyper aware of my social battery. My social battery drains a lot faster these days. Being around groups and crowds of people, having to socialize and be “on” for extended periods of time… It is super draining for me. I still love people. I enjoy socializing, meeting and getting to know new people and going to events where there’s many people around. However, while I used to be able to get through it and then take time afterwards to recharge, I now find myself experiencing physical reactions while I’m having to be social.
For example, I work in a small-ish office environment. It’s like a small community or family even. I also have my own office where I can shut the door at any time. Now, I do genuinely enjoy talking, laughing and being around my coworkers. However, there was a time when I experienced something rather uncomfy. What happened is that one of my coworkers opened my office door that had been slightly cracked open, came on in and just started talking. And, the conversation was more one-sided and just went from one topic to another. It was valuable information that was being discussed, however, it was just a lot to take in at one time. I became overwhelmed. And, while I can usually manage my overwhelm, in this incident, it was very difficult to do so. I felt my hands become sweaty, my heart began to race and I could hear it thumping in my ears. I also felt like my breaths were intentional. Like, I was trying to take deep breaths to calm myself down physically, without making it obvious. I was holding back tears and I was tapped out of the conversation by that point. In my mind, I was contemplating how to let this person know that I needed a minute without being offensive. I didn’t want to just cut them off you know?
When that coworker left my office, I was so on edge. I began pacing around my office while texting my husband because I had all this nervous energy and I just wanted someone to talk to, that was familiar with my struggles. I took a break and went outside to get some fresh air. I talked to my husband on the phone; he calmed me down and gave me advice on how to proceed. I knew he was right. I needed to speak up. So, after I took my break, getting some fresh air and talking to a support, I did a breathing exercise. Later that day, I also talked to my supervisor about the situation – and I’m glad I did. I was nervous about having that conversation, but my supervisor was understanding. And now, my supervisor is aware that if I shut my door or have it cracked… it just means I need some time to myself, and that’s okay. I have also set the personal goal to work on speaking up when I become socially overwhelmed and need a break.
Now, when it comes to depression, there are a couple of things I began doing that helped my depression dissipate: I became more intentional with my eating habits: by eating breakfast, increasing my water intake, and eating more fruits and veggies. I got back into reading my Bible and spending time in praise & worship at home. I also started to journal again and to focus on healing; beginning with repentance and forgiveness. I realized that I not only needed to forgive others, but also myself, as I seek God’s forgiveness. I realized I needed to release the baggage I’ve been carrying for so long.
It’s time to let go completely. It’s time to be free.
When it comes to healing, we must make a conscious decision that we want to be healed. That is because, we have to consciously let go! We have to decide to accept our healing, to forgive and to move forward!
Healing is not always instantaneous. For many of us, it is and will be a process. It is a journey. There is no timetable for healing. But, just know that there is a part that we must play in our own emotional healing. Especially, when dealing with trauma; there can be levels and layers. I am on my own journey. And like always, my goal is to continue blogging; to share my journey with you – my struggles and what is helping me to improve and become a better version of myself!
My prayer is that all of us who struggle, will find peace, freedom and forgiveness.
Romans 8:37 says, “Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us]” (Amplified Bible – AMP)
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