I just wanted the pain to end.
For weeks, I’d been going through the motions, showing up where I was suppose to, when I was expected to, all the while hoping that someone would notice. I hoped that someone would notice the pain in my eyes or the strain in my smile. My smile was a mask to cover up the hurt and loneliness that I felt within.
The longest relationship I’d been in to date was 2 years. As the relationship began to run it’s course, my ex-boyfriend and I began to see each other and spend quality time together less and less. Other than him, I didn’t really have anyone else in my life that I communicated with on a consistent basis. Sure, I had one or two friends I could call up. But, in all honesty, our friendships became the one’s where you meet up to catch up every once in awhile, but you know they’ll always be there when you need them.
At the time, I was working full-time in a high intensity, often chaotic environment that was incredibly stressful and triggering. I was working the night shift and struggled to get proper rest during the day. My social life consisted of going to church and going to the gym. And, that’s about it. I was becoming drained, burned out and increasingly overwhelmed as time went on. I was slowly drowning in a pool of unhappiness.
One night, I sat in my apartment and I just broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. I began pacing back and forth in my living room until I dropped down on the the floor. With my knees against my chest, arms embracing my legs tightly, I continued rocking back and forth. I began to scream and cry until I got up and went into my kitchen and I grabbed the sharpest knife I could find. I went back into the living room, sat down on the floor, holding the knife in my hand. I continued to cry out and begged for the courage to end it all.
The thoughts that kept circulating through my mind was – why not just end it all? It’s not like anyone will notice you’re gone for a long time. And, when you’re gone, it’s not like anyone will care. Those thoughts really tormented me to the core. I knew that I needed to reach out for help. I knew that I had a pastor I could call, a mom I could call or a hot-line. As much as I knew that I could reach out for help, the tormenting thoughts in my mind carried so much weight that I couldn’t convince myself to seek help. I figured why bother someone with my depression when nobody cared enough to stick around long enough for an answer after casually asking, “how are you doing?” or a quick text to see how I’m doing, because they hadn’t heard from me in awhile. If the people who saw me at work every day and my boyfriend at the time – the person I was most closest to in my life didn’t even notice something was wrong with me, I figured it was because they didn’t care enough to pay attention. To notice that something had shifted in me. Those were my reasonings at the time, for not reaching out for help. What it came down to is the fact that, I just didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.
As you can see, I didn’t do it. I didn’t find the courage to do what I wished I could do, because of this one thing. I was born and raised in church, and so it was instilled in me the teachings that there is a heaven and hell. Let’s just put it this way, I wasn’t convinced that if I took my own life to escape the hell on earth I was experiencing, that I would not in up in a lake of fire for eternity. I’m just being real with you. That was ultimately the deciding factor FOR ME. At the end of the day, it just wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
I share this in hopes that this will create awareness. You guys, it is essential that we are intentional about surrounding ourselves with family and friends who will love and support you. Prioritize and build those relationships. Because, life is hard, things aren’t getting easier and we truly need each other.
If someone comes to mind throughout the day, that you haven’t spoken to in awhile – don’t hesitate to reach out to them. Make a quick call or send a simple text to say hello and let that person know that they are on your mind. If you notice someone doesn’t quite seem like themselves, maybe their smile seems a little more forced lately, genuinely ask them if they are okay and remind them that they have your full support if they ever need someone to talk to. It might seem little, but those things go a long way.
When someone is depressed or struggling with suicidal ideation, I promise you, the majority of the time, that person IS aware that there are resources for help out there. But, often times, we don’t feel brave or strong enough to reach out for help. No matter how illogical of a thought it may be, we don’t want to be a burden to someone else.
As I look back on this, that I experienced somewhere between 2018 – 2019, I realize that I could have and should have reached out for help. I have people I can call or text. I also realize that I should have made my social life more of a priority by way of showing myself friendly, making new friends, etc. But, at the same time, life happened. I was occupied with work and trying to find some sort of life balance. I am careful that I am not hard on myself, because regardless of what I could have and should have done, the reality is that I didn’t and no excuse is great enough to justify taking my own life.
I am thankful that I am here to share my story. I am thankful that I have the bravery to expose one the secrets of my soul.
I am releasing a new book in December 2021 called Let’s Be Real: The Secrets of My Soul Exposed. This book is a collection of spoken word poetry inspired by my experience with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and suicidal ideation. In addition to sharing my story, I share how I discovered my purpose and I come through with a word of motivation and empowerment! Click HERE for more information on the book. You can receive updates on new books, blogs and weekly affirmations by texting “iSlay” to (866) 985-4832.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you. Please share this post with someone today.