About 4 to 5 months ago I began going to therapy. While I have been an advocate for therapy for years, I kept putting off signing up and going myself, because I couldn’t afford another financial commitment. However, this time I committed to taking a necessary step in prioritizing my mental health. I reached out for help, because I had been experiencing depression for awhile and not only was it impacting every area of my life, but I had begun experiencing symptoms I never really had before – at least, not in the same capacity.
There are many different symptoms of depression. Depression does not look the same for everybody. I have mostly experienced “seasonal depression” a couple times in past years. But this time was more intense.
The symptoms I have experienced are:
Crying spells, overwhelm and sadness. Y’all I was crying just about EVERY day. I mean just boo and hooing! Just crying my heart out, it’s a wonder my well isn’t bone dry! But seriously, I was on the verge of tears quite often. Majority of the time, it was for no other reason than I felt overwhelmed in EVERY area of my life: spiritually, marriage, work, entrepreneurship endeavors, physical health wise… I just felt stuck and tired and I truly understood what it means to be sick and tired of being tired. There were days where I would come home from work and as soon as my front door shut, I would burst into tears. The flood gates would just burst wide open and I felt like I’d been holding back those tears all day long. It felt like it took every ounce of energy and physical/mental/emotional strength I had in order to get through each day. Each day was a blurr and I was just on auto pilot and in survival mode. And, this is after getting home from the VERY job that is the fist job I have had where I feel fulfilled.
Lack of motivation to do things I enjoy. I stopped going to the gym for awhile, I stopped posting on social media, blogging, going for walks in the park, things like that. But, the point of concern, for me, was when weeks and weeks went by and I had no will or drive to even watch a TV show that I enjoy. And, interests that I have always had just didn’t bring me joy like they usually do. I still had and do have interest in those things but they just were not fulfilling. It’s difficult for me to explain, but IYKYK.
Lethargic/Tired all for the time. Wake up. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Low energy. Not lazy just physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. Just drained and felt that way all the time, everyday. Many days I’d get home from work and instead of heading to the bedroom to change into my workout clothes, I’d sit on my couch and almost instantly fill both relieved and as if the weight of the world was falling onto my shoulders at the same time. Those days, I didn’t have energy to do anything remotely productive or meaningful.
Difficulty concentrating. From watching to movies to getting through a long day of work, I just found myself having to put in a more conscious effort to stay focused for long periods of time. Even when TV shows that typically keep my attention, I found it difficult to pay attention.
Low sex-drive. Well, that one is the most self explanatory of them all. Honestly though, I did not realize just how much stress, anxiety and depression can impact your sex-drive.
Decrease in productivity and will-power. I don’t know about you, but I am a bit of a clean freak. I like my space to be clean, neat and in order. I don’t like the dishes to pile up, I don’t like my floors to evidently need to be swept or mopped and I don’t like clutter. In this season, I let things get out of control. Now, my husband helps me out around the house but we do have different expectations of cleanliness and there are some house hold chores that only I do. For example, while either one of us will wash the dishes, only he will clean out the fish tank and only I will mop the floors. So, imagine my frustration when we literally went about 2 months or so without the floors being mopped because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it!
Withdrawing and no longer wanting to socialize or be around people. This was significant for me, because I DO love people. I enjoy being around people. I still enjoy being in crowds of people like at concerts, large churches, etc. And, even though I do better in 1:1 interactions than in small groups, I still enjoy getting to know other people. Even though I am pretty “soft-spoken” and not the most talkative person, I still enjoy social interactions. I typically just need plenty and quality alone time to recharge. But, in this season, I just couldn’t do it. Beyond going to work and spending time with my husband or parents, I couldn’t really tolerate any other social interaction. My job is 99.9% social interaction both in person and by phone and that has been draining enough. So, after I’d come home from work, 9 times out of 10, I would just crash.
Decline in hygiene. This is extremely embarrassing to admit. Specifically because, 1) I have a WHOLE husband, 2) I’d work with a team of people 5 out of 7 days a week and 3) I BELIEVE GOOD HYGIENE IS ESSENTIAL right – So, the fact that I was drained of energy to the point where I could not put my MIND over the MATTER that I needed to shower (daily) just was not happening as frequently as I would like it to, was concerning for me. In this season, I developed more understanding for those who struggle to get out of bed, shower and withdraw from socializing.
Social media fatigue. I actually logged out of social media accounts for weeks and then I deleted the apps off of my phone entirely, because I knew I didn’t want to log on and see people posting photos and captioning how they are going out going places, doing things, promoting their businesses etc. And, it was not jealousy that I was feeling. It was guilt. I felt guilty because I was tired, I had no energy and not motivation to create, to write, to post or to really do anything productive outside of going to work. I was able to show up to work because I had to in order to keep the roof over my head and bills paid.
Like I said, depression can look different for everybody. I had just reached a point of self-awareness and honestly just concern, because I felt like I was losing so much of myself. I felt so out of touch with the REAL and best version of myself, that I knew it was time to reach out for help.
This blog post is not only to share my experience, but more so to encourage those who may be struggling with depression to go ahead and take that next step. Don’t wait until things progress. Don’t wait, thinking that you can manage it on your own. I encourage you to take advantage of resources that are out there, but we really don’t have to go through it alone. There have been many times in the past where I tried to just get through it on my own. I felt ashamed to reveal what was really going on with me and the battle I was fighting in my mind. This season – it just got to a point where I was legit scared of what would happen if I didn’t reach out for support. I work in a field where I encourage people weekly to get therapy. I have posted and talked about it in recent blogs but it was time I put my financial excuses aside and find a way. And, I am glad that I did.
Tips for Navigating Seasons of Depression
1) Understand that it is a season. It may be long and it may get worse before it gets better, but it is still a season. I pray that we find comfort in knowing this.
2) If you need someone to talk to and you don’t want to talk to someone you know – there are resources available. If your employer has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program), take advantage of that. I definitely recommend Better Help if you prefer or are open to tele-health therapy, but if you are like me and prefer in-person counseling, using my employers EAP program is how I found mine and she happened to be out to be more affordable (for me) in this season, than many others that I’d come across in my search.
3) Don’t wait until Self-awareness is clutch! One thing I did is that I began writing down my symptoms. Take note of your shifts in mood and triggers. Observe and identify areas where and HOW you can make changes. Identify COPING SKILLS that are helpful for YOU such as breathing techniques, exercise and talking to supports.
4) Be patient with yourself. Allow your self to REST in this season. I know I have felt more drained, physically and mentally exhausted more than not in this season. So, what I began to do is to take advantage of and make the most of the times when I have a burst of energy. I’ll get up and clean, I’ll go to the gym or initiate an activity/outing with my husband. Sometimes, those burst are few and far in between, but that is why I am intentional about making the most of it. The other times, I now allow myself to rest.
5) Healing may not happen over night. While I believe that my God can heal my past traumas and hurt, I know that sometimes healing is a journey. A process. A season. And some seasons like this, can seem or last longer than others. But, in this seasons
6) Today, I went to church and received a beautiful and on-time reminder that even though I feel as if I have been in a dark place, in a dry place – a desert.. It is still just a season. And, while I am in this season GRATITUDE is key.
Practice gratitude and mindfulness EVERY day, all through out the day. Set the intention to look for things to be grateful as often as you can. I have spent so much of this season complaining. Some of my DREAM (that are even on my vision board) God has allowed to manifest and I have still found many reasons to complain. Now, I feel awful about that of course. But, I have recently started to get back on track with practicing gratitude. The great thing about practicing gratitude is, the more you do it, the more self-aware you will become. So, when I catch myself – I correct myself. I begin to LOOK for things I can be grateful for. That’s where the mindfulness piece comes in.
8) We need a support system. It is important to have friends and or family, and/or a therapist that we can confide in. During my time working in the behavioral health field and from personal experience, I have noticed that individuals with a support system have a smoother path to healing and progression than those who are going at it without.
9) What you eat matters. Eating more fast foods, sweets and sugary drinks and soda than fruits and vegetables DOES have a negative impact on your mental health.
10) Move your body. Exercising DOES impact your mental health in a positive way. It can help boost your mood, energy levels and self-confidence as well!
11) CLEAN your space. All I will say about this is.. Cleaning can be therapeutic. Sometimes, I turn on a clean with me YouTube video or turn on some good music and just get to cleaning. IYKYK!
12) This is a faith based blog, so I while we are talking about mental health and I 100% advocate for therapy and medication (if you so choose), I can’t bring myself to conclude this post without saying this. In this DRY season of mine, through this depression, I found myself further away from God than I’d been in awhile. I had not been praying, reading my Bible and even going to church as consistently as I’d like to. I found so many excuses to pull away, although unintentional. But, I do believe this had a tremendous impact on my mental health in this season. I don’t know if I was low-key blaming God for my hurt and disappointment and pulled away as a result or what. But, I know that in this season I felt a void the ENTIRE time! I recently was blessed to finally get my DREAM car!! And, the days leading up to that exciting day, the thought crossed my mind that I hoped getting my dream car would fulfill the emptiness and extreme sadness I felt inside that just wouldn’t seem to go away. As you can guess, it did not work. As soon as I drove the vehicle off the car lot, I thought about it and I felt a pang of disappointment at the realization that, that VOID I’d been filling was still empty. When I am an active participant in my relationship with God – I feel whole! I simply feel complete. Even through anxiety. Even through depression. I still feel whole. But, I run away or avoid God.. I feel, empty. So, if you have been experiencing depression, I just encourage you to take a look at your spiritual life. I do believe that there is a void that only He can fill.
Shout out to my husband as has been CLUTCH in this season as well! He has been open and willing to try and understand the season that I have been in and with that he has been supportive. That, I tell you is PRICELESS. I am thankful for him.
Depression is REAL. And, sometimes it’s not obvious that someone may be struggling. If you are struggling, I just want to remind you that you are not alone and that you can get through this. And, I definitely encourage THERAPY to only help you while you’re IN it, but also for maintenance.
In this season, I have felt like I lost ME and sometimes felt hopeless, as if the real ME, a healthier me, was no retrievable. I thought that there was no more hope when it came to my hopes and dreams and l thought about.. settling in multiple areas of my life, because I didn’t think I’d have the energy and stamina to pursue my life goals anymore. However, the tips I have shared above ARE helping me navigate this dry season I have been in. September is the first month in awhile that I have felt more like my healthier self (mentally/emotionally). And, while I continue to make progress – I’ll be practicing what I’ve shared with you today.
I appreciate you for taking time to read this post. Please share, repost or give this post a thumbs up if you have found this helpful. Have an amazing week!
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