This time last year…
It was late one evening that I sat on my living room floor, rocking back and forth. My hands were clammy, and my heart felt as if it was beating outside of my chest. My rapid heartbeat echoed a seemingly off beat cadence in my ears as tears danced down my cheeks. I had what seemed to be a million and one thoughts racing through my mind, but each had the same plot. Three simple words: Just end it.
This time last year, I hit rock bottom. I was in a dark place. I hadn’t been there in a long time. I felt so alone. I was angry at family and those I’d called friend, because no one had noticed the pain in my eyes. No one seemed to notice that everything wasn’t okay. I was just going through the motions and I blamed everyone I knew for not noticing. I cut off a few people I’d considered friends and distanced myself from others, because I blamed them. One specific night I recall, as I sat on my living room floor, I contemplated taking my life. I cried out desperate for courage to just end it. All. I knew I should reach out to someone for help; considering the state of mind I was in. But, in all honesty, I didn’t want to be a burden. I was in a place where I was asking my parents for financial assistance, I was in a relationship that was going downhill.. I just didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I felt like nobody would notice for days, maybe weeks even, if I just disappeared. If I just ended my life.
I got up from the floor, walked into my kitchen and picked up a knife (and no it wasn’t a plastic or butter knife lol) and began to scream. In that moment, I wished I had the courage to take the knife and split my wrists. But, all I could think about was my faith. I was born and raised in church and was taught that God is the creator of my life and he is the one who determines when my life will come to an end. And, to be a bit more literal; I was taught that suicide is a sin. I felt like I’d suffered enough and didn’t want to burn in hell for eternity in addition to the hell on earth I felt I was experiencing. So, I turned a slammed the knife into the counter and walked away. My thought at that point was, if only God, my religion and my faith didn’t exist, I would have the courage to end my life.
This was the 2nd time in my life I’d dealt with having suicidal ideations. The first time occurred when I was a lot younger. I remember that day pretty vividly as well. I hope that I never find myself in that place ever again. That is where I was, this time last year. The plans I’d had of spending Thanksgiving Day with my, now ex-boyfriend and his family fell through and I didn’t have legitimate plans with my immediate family.. I guess you could say that was the tipping point for me. I had the holiday blues, I was depressed and just felt like I had nothing and nobody to spend the holiday with.. that is, without having to ask. If you know me, you know that I strongly dislike.. okay, I hate bringing extra attention to myself. I don’t like confrontation. So, the last thing I’d want to do is broadcast the fact that I felt alone.
You’re probably wondering, how on earth, someone like me, who is ALL about having a positive mindset would dare share something so NOT positing on today of all days. But, my question to you would be, why not? This purpose of this post is not just to say that I’m thankful that I am not where I was this time last year, but let you know that I am grateful that I was in such a dark place last year. I’ll tell you why. A few days ago, I met one of the reasons why. Yes, you read that right. I met an individual in a parking lot, who was at his breaking point. And, on so many levels, in so many ways I could relate to how he was feeling.. As he shared his story, I was able to do much more than pray. I was able to identify with how he was feeling and was able to express that in a way that allowed him to feel that… He walked away knowing that he is NOT alone and that he is NOT going to be where he was forever. He left knowing that there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I was representation of that. I was living proof.
It took healing and a transformed mindset to get to where I am today. Initially, it was the fear factor that held me back from attempting to take my life. But, overall, it was deep down, knowing that I am here for a purpose and that the hurt, pain and disappointment I felt was for a reason that I wasn’t yet able to comprehend in that moment. Today, I am thankful for where I was last year, because it makes being HERE today, so much more beautiful. HERE is healthy – mind, body and soul. HERE is being comfortable, even when I’m alone, with no legitimate plans for the holiday. HERE is knowing my purpose and walking in it. HERE is being in position to share my story and to empower someone else to share there story, because someone, somewhere is depending on it.
This is a poem I wrote shortly after that night, inspired by how I was feeling..
Transparency
He said,
“I really don’t want to be on this earth anymore
I’m doing my best to stay here for you but I actually don’t know how much longer I can last
All I ever tried to do was help people. Just remember I told you so.”
I felt that
Sitting here wondering
If anyone would notice that I’m gone
Don’t think they would
Mentally and emotionally I’m already done
No one has even noticed
The pain in my eyes
The struggle in my smile
As I put all my effort into covering up my truth
Physically I’m here
Just going through the motions
Day after day after day
No need to decorate the truth with lies
No need to create illusions with my words
In all transparency
This overwhelming sadness keeps creeping up on me
I’m broken
Trying to hold all the pieces of me together
The last thing I want to do is fall apart and burden somebody else
So I keep fighting
Act like nothing’s wrong
I mean, people ask how you’re doing
But don’t stick around long enough to hear the answer
People appear to look at you
But, don’t realize they’re seeing right through you
People say that they’ll be there for you
But, when you need them, they’re too busy, too occupied
We throw words around like they’re nothing
We say we love but wouldn’t recognize it if it smacked us in the face
I’m just trying to find my place
In this messed up human race
He said, He’s doing his best to stay around for people, whoever they may be
But I will fight and stay around
Not for people who are hardly there or pretend to care
I will do it for myself
Because I deserve better
At some point you got to change the game and do it for you.
Thanks for reading!
keziamarie.co 