This Time Last Year

This time last year…

It was late one evening that I sat on my living room floor, rocking back and forth. My hands were clammy, and my heart felt as if it was beating outside of my chest. My rapid heartbeat echoed a seemingly off beat cadence in my ears as tears danced down my cheeks. I had what seemed to be a million and one thoughts racing through my mind, but each had the same plot. Three simple words: Just end it.

This time last year, I hit rock bottom. I was in a dark place. I hadn’t been there in a long time. I felt so alone. I was angry at family and those I’d called friend, because no one had noticed the pain in my eyes. No one seemed to notice that everything wasn’t okay. I was just going through the motions and I blamed everyone I knew for not noticing. I cut off a few people I’d considered friends and distanced myself from others, because I blamed them. One specific night I recall, as I sat on my living room floor, I contemplated taking my life. I cried out desperate for courage to just end it. All. I knew I should reach out to someone for help; considering the state of mind I was in. But, in all honesty, I didn’t want to be a burden. I was in a place where I was asking my parents for financial assistance, I was in a relationship that was going downhill.. I just didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I felt like nobody would notice for days, maybe weeks even, if I just disappeared. If I just ended my life.

I got up from the floor, walked into my kitchen and picked up a knife (and no it wasn’t a plastic or butter knife lol) and began to scream. In that moment, I wished I had the courage to take the knife and split my wrists. But, all I could think about was my faith. I was born and raised in church and was taught that God is the creator of my life and he is the one who determines when my life will come to an end. And, to be a bit more literal; I was taught that suicide is a sin. I felt like I’d suffered enough and didn’t want to burn in hell for eternity in addition to the hell on earth I felt I was experiencing. So, I turned a slammed the knife into the counter and walked away. My thought at that point was, if only God, my religion and my faith didn’t exist, I would have the courage to end my life.

This was the 2nd time in my life I’d dealt with having suicidal ideations. The first time occurred when I was a lot younger. I remember that day pretty vividly as well. I hope that I never find myself in that place ever again. That is where I was, this time last year. The plans I’d had of spending Thanksgiving Day with my, now ex-boyfriend and his family fell through and I didn’t have legitimate plans with my immediate family.. I guess you could say that was the tipping point for me. I had the holiday blues, I was depressed and just felt like I had nothing and nobody to spend the holiday with.. that is, without having to ask. If you know me, you know that I strongly dislike.. okay, I hate bringing extra attention to myself. I don’t like confrontation. So, the last thing I’d want to do is broadcast the fact that I felt alone.

You’re probably wondering, how on earth, someone like me, who is ALL about having a positive mindset would dare share something so NOT positing on today of all days. But, my question to you would be, why not? This purpose of this post is not just to say that I’m thankful that I am not where I was this time last year, but let you know that I am grateful that I was in such a dark place last year. I’ll tell you why. A few days ago, I met one of the reasons why. Yes, you read that right. I met an individual in a parking lot, who was at his breaking point. And, on so many levels, in so many ways I could relate to how he was feeling.. As he shared his story, I was able to do much more than pray. I was able to identify with how he was feeling and was able to express that in a way that allowed him to feel that… He walked away knowing that he is NOT alone and that he is NOT going to be where he was forever. He left knowing that there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I was representation of that. I was living proof.

It took healing and a transformed mindset to get to where I am today. Initially, it was the fear factor that held me back from attempting to take my life. But, overall, it was deep down, knowing that I am here for a purpose and that the hurt, pain and disappointment I felt was for a reason that I wasn’t yet able to comprehend in that moment. Today, I am thankful for where I was last year, because it makes being HERE today, so much more beautiful. HERE is healthy – mind, body and soul. HERE is being comfortable, even when I’m alone, with no legitimate plans for the holiday. HERE is knowing my purpose and walking in it. HERE is being in position to share my story and to empower someone else to share there story, because someone, somewhere is depending on it.

This is a poem I wrote shortly after that night, inspired by how I was feeling..

Transparency

He said,
“I really don’t want to be on this earth anymore
I’m doing my best to stay here for you but I actually don’t know how much longer I can last
All I ever tried to do was help people. Just remember I told you so.”
I felt that

Sitting here wondering
If anyone would notice that I’m gone
Don’t think they would
Mentally and emotionally I’m already done
No one has even noticed
The pain in my eyes
The struggle in my smile
As I put all my effort into covering up my truth
Physically I’m here
Just going through the motions
Day after day after day

No need to decorate the truth with lies
No need to create illusions with my words
In all transparency
This overwhelming sadness keeps creeping up on me
I’m broken

Trying to hold all the pieces of me together
The last thing I want to do is fall apart and burden somebody else

So I keep fighting
Act like nothing’s wrong
I mean, people ask how you’re doing
But don’t stick around long enough to hear the answer
People appear to look at you
But, don’t realize they’re seeing right through you
People say that they’ll be there for you
But, when you need them, they’re too busy, too occupied
We throw words around like they’re nothing
We say we love but wouldn’t recognize it if it smacked us in the face
I’m just trying to find my place
In this messed up human race

He said, He’s doing his best to stay around for people, whoever they may be
But I will fight and stay around
Not for people who are hardly there or pretend to care
I will do it for myself
Because I deserve better

At some point you got to change the game and do it for you.

Thanks for reading!

3 Ways to Prep for 2020

It’s the most wonderful time of year! We’ve got a lot of holidays to keep us occupied over the remaining weeks left in the year. With Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Christmas right around the corner, I promise, time is going to fly by and before you know it, we’ll be clinkin’ glasses and ringing in the new year! If you’re anything like me, you love this time of year and may even get caught up in the holiday festivities. You may even find it extra challenging to maintain focus on the one thing that has remained constant throughout the year, holiday or no holiday, and that of course is maintaining a healthy life balance. So, as we head into the most wonder time of year, let’s not have new years day, or rather – the day after new years, sneak up on us! Let’s set ourselves up for success now, so that we’re ready to jump in and slay our goals in 2020!

Listen, we have what it takes to slay our goals all year long in 2020! It doesn’t mean that we won’t experience setbacks or make mistakes from time to time, but it means that if we give ourselves the best shot at being successful, then the chances of us slaying a majority of the goals we set will be higher than those who fail to do so. That being said, I have a few tips to share with you, to help you prep for 2020. I want you to walk into the new year confident in your God given ability to slay your goals! You have what it takes, but you’ve got to do the work, to prepare – give yourself the best shot to be successful. Get in position. Get in alignment. Here are 3 ways to do just that.

1. Reflect on 2019 – Spend some time reflecting on 2019. Be honest with yourself about everything. There are many ways you can do this.My recommendation, is to write out a list of all the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year. Then, create 2 more lists, like a pro’s and con’s list, only with goals you accomplished vs goals you did not accomplish. Think about all the highs, lows, setbacks, progress and lessons learned throughout the year. Embrace it all, no matter how much you did or didn’t accomplish. As you wrap up your reflection, be sure to end on a positive note. You can do this through meditation or journaling even. However you choose to do this, be sure to focus all your thoughts and energy on the positive aspects of your 2019; realizing that 2020 is a gift and opportunity to pursue and achieve all the goals you’ve yet to achieve. Be real with yourself, but don’t be too hard on yourself, if you know what I mean.

2. Get clear on what you want to achieve in 2020. Piggy-backing off of step one, you’ll want to make sure you have a clear vision of what you want to achieve in 2020, because everything that you proceed to do after your goals have been set, should be in alignment with what you desire to achieve. In may sound redundant or silly, but ironically most people fail to get what they want out of life, because they don’t have a clear vision of what it is that they really want to begin with. Let’s make up in our minds now, that in 2020, we are going to be decisive! Even if we are unsure about what move we should make, what step we should take next.. We are going to move with confidence. So, make sure you identify exactly what you want to achieve in 2020, set clear goals and then identify your WHY factor. This is an extremely important piece to the puzzle. Most people miss this. But, I’m telling you, you’re going to want to identify your why. Know the reason why you want to achieve the goals you have set. Here’s why: Your WHY factor will be your motivating factor. Motivation is temporary, if it is not your WHY. Your WHY is going to be your lifeline, it will keep you going when the going gets tough. It will remind you why you should do whatever it takes to pursue you goal, regardless of what it takes to do so.

3. Deep clean your territory! When you deep clean your home, what do you do? You don’t just tidy up.. No, you throw out the trash, you straighten things up, you put things where they belong, you scrub, you wash, you sanitize, you reorganize and you may even redecorate! Before you enter the new year, make sure you detox your territory. Remove distractions and hinderances, detox your social circle; whether it’s on social media or in person. So, if you need to unfollow and unfriend some people on social media, do it. Anyone or anything that is tearing you down, instead of building you up, create distance. Whatever is making you feel bad about yourself, discouraging you, holding you back, you know what or who it is.. create
distance! We’ve gotta enter the new year with an attitude of gratitude and positive vibes only. Why? Because we attract whatever is operating on the wave length of our reccuring thought patterns. But, that’s a whole other blog post topic, we’ll save that for another day.

When it comes to your 2020 goals, you need to be all in. But, first you’ve got to be honest with yourself. You’ve got to reflect, know what you want and why! Then, set a SMART goal and make sure you’ve distanced yourself from known stumbling blocks. Do yourself a favor, set yourself up for success. Give yourself your best shot at slaying your goals ALL year long! The steps listed above will help IF you take honest – action.