Why I’m Glad 2019 Didn’t Go How I Planned (Heartbreak, Rejection, Disappointment.. and Achieved Goals!)

Heartbreak, Rejection, Disappointment and Achieved Goals!

As 2018 came to an end, did you announce to yourself and to the world that 2019 was going to be YOUR YEAR? Where you in that Sunday service where the pastor prophesied over the congregation that 2019 would be THEE year, you’d been hoping, praying and dreaming of for so long, so you jumped, clapped and shouted AMEN with your arms held high with tears in your eyes!? I’ll be the first to raise my hand and confess that I was one of those individuals. I’ll also be honest and admit that 2019 did not at all go how I was hoping it would go.

As we conclude 2019, I’ve found myself wondering what the hell happened? As I write this, I am holding back tears, I can hardly believe I am sharing this with you all.. But, moment of transparency.. I was hoping 2019 would be my breakout out year. I was sure THIS would be thee year I would step on stages and speak, become a best selling author, etc. And let me tell you, this year did not go the way I was hoping it would go. I did not become a best selling author, and although I had booked my FIRST speaking gig – which sadly did not happen, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up after near 2 years of dating – which I didn’t see coming, spent 6+ months of applying and interviewing for a new job before the right opportunity came along.. And, after my bf and I broke up, 2 days later I made an impulsive decision and adopted a kitten, that I had to rehome 4 months later because he was super aggressive to anyone but me and I found out my car had an number of repairs needed to the point that I was literally scared to drive anywhere, let alone the 45 minute drive to work everyday.

Listen, I don’t share all of this for sympathy. And trust me, I know my year has been a walk in the park compared to how many other people’s 2019 has gone. I just want you to understand, before I go any further, that I know what it’s like to have high hopes and goals, only to have them fall through. I also know what it’s like to step out on faith, step outside of your comfort zone and get let down. For example, the one thing I did this year that surprised me most is when I told this guy, a co-worker of mine at the time, that I was interested in him and available, and gave him my phone number (mind you, he had expressed interest in me at the time I was in a relationship). So, what had happened was.. He smiled, said he’d reach out.. Only a few days later, I found out he was possibly involved with someone else and I never heard from him.. (P.S. He was resigning in a few days, so I’d decided to shoot my shot, because hey! You never know, right?) Stepping outside of my comfort zone, that time, led to yet another disappointment. But, I’m glad it did.

Now that I’ve got all that off my chest, please believe me when I say that I am grateful for how this year played out, even though it didn’t pan out initially how I’d planned. I’ll tell you why!

God knows the beginning from the end. He knows what you’ll desire before you ever desire it. He knew I needed that break up to happen, because the relationship I was in was toxic. I was holding on because it was comfortable, but once we broke up.. I felt free and a new sense of boldness. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I stepped into a season of my life where, I’m ready and willing to go after everything that I desire, no matter how far outside of my comfort zone it may be. Things didn’t happen how or when I wanted them to, but now that I look back I appreciate how it did work out. I didn’t get the jobs I’d wanted initially, but the job I did get, pushed me even further outside of my comfort zone – preparing me even more for my dream of standing on stages and speaking and empowering women! Driving a car that could breakdown at anytime.. uncomfortable. The aggressive cat.. uncomfortable. The rejection.. uncomfortable. Not becoming a best seller.. uncomfortable (I’ve got more learning and growing to do!).

Even though things did not go how I wanted them to.. I am blessed to say that I still achieved MANY of my goals. You can set ALL the GOALS you want, and you can plan and pursue them, but unfortunately that does not guarantee that everything will go how you want them to go. The truth is, you can’t always control the HOW or the WHEN. But if you BELIEVE that you can have the WHAT, then you CAN have the WHAT – no matter what! I’m living proof of that, because I still got a NEW job that I wanted, it just didn’t happen as soon as I’d wanted it to. I Still got a new cat, who is a perfect fit, after having to surrender the aggressive one.. I didn’t speak on stage, but I got back to performing spoken word poetry, I got to vendor at events where I met amazing people, promoted and sold many copies of my book, I even got to travel and mark a goal off my bucket list! Oh, and I set up and registered my business with the State of Az! Not to mention, I’m free of ALL toxic relationships in my life (loss a bf and another best friend).. But, listen, I am grateful for how this year turned out.

See, you’ve got to believe, you’ve got to be patient and ride it out. Not only that, but you’ve got to be willing to step out side of your comfort zone to get what you want. And lastly, you’ve got to be willing to be still, listen and learn from the setbacks, rejections and mistakes you may make along the way. Learn to see the beauty in being in alignment and divine timing. Whether you believe in the universe or God, as I do, trust that everything is working together for your good. You shouldn’t have to wait, like I’ve had to, until you finally get what you want to appreciate the journey and the progress. Learn to appreciate the process! There is so much learning and growing to do IN the process that will make your success so much sweeter!

Maybe you’re like me, and 2019 hasn’t gone the way you thought it would go.. I want you to know that it’s not too late. 2019 can still be THEE year. But, it’s up to you and your mindset. You determine how you’re going to look back and remember 2019. It’s all about perspective. 2019 may not how gone exactly how I hoped it would go, but I can look back and be grateful for all that happened and proud of how I handled everything, because of my mindset. It’s up to you to recognize and value the lessons that can be learned through your experiences. Many people, myself included, planned this year to be a year of domination, but God said no, this is going to be a year of GROWTH. If you accept it and learn the lessons now.. Imagine what that means YOUR 2020 may be… THEE YEAR!!!

The Fear of Rejection

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Everyday it’s an ongoing battle

I’m at war with myself

With my thoughts

Everyday, haunted with memories and fears

Constantly fighting off negative thoughts

What if this and what if that?

And, what lies beneath it all, I have discovered is fear

Fear of what exactly? 

What is it that I’m afraid of

What am I trying so hard to protect myself from?

Rejection.

I’m afraid of being hurt and rejected

Again

I’m afraid of the tears, the loneliness and heartbreak

I’m afraid of the disappointment 

The worst days of my life were the most painful

I fear feeling how I felt then, again

Memories of those moments, they come back to haunt me

So, everyday I’m fighting off negative thoughts that try to consume me 

And hold me captive to my past

Everyday it’s a fight

Everyday it’s a struggle

And, I want to fight because I can 

But, can I be honest.. I’m tired

I’m tired of having to fight

I’m tired of facing the lingering fear of rejection

Sometimes, I wish someone could fight for me

Or, that I didn’t have to fight at all

Wish I could get rid of this fear once and for all

How do I get this fear under subjection?

Because it accompanies me daily like I’m the object of it’s affection

I’ve become it’s kryptonite

So, I try to be strong

Act like nothing’s wrong

I wasn’t given the spirit of fear

So how do I let it go?

How do I conquer it before it conquers me?

How do I find the motivation to fight daily?

They said to guard my heart

So, I used that to justify putting up a wall

But walls don’t stop you from falling

But, can cause  you to lose everything you’ve ever wanted

Fear distracts and fear destroys if it’s not destroyed first

Fear has it’s place

But, not when it comes to peace of mind

I’m just out here, trying to find mine.

(Spoken Word Poem by Kezia Marie ©) 

 

I’ve struggled with anxiety for awhile now. Most days, I have a good handle on it. But, some days, it gets the best of me. I have come to realize the the underlying cause of my anxiety and stress is fear; a fear of the things that I cannot control. Most of my worrying comes from worrying about the future. This makes sense, when I consider the type of person I am. I am goal oriented and solution focused. I dislike reflecting on the past if its not to learn from past experience with the expectation that I will benefit from it moving forward. I like to be in control, or at least have an awareness of what is going on with me and around me. But, we all know that, that is  not how life works. We don’t get to be in control of everything. Some things happen unexpectedly and by chance. And, while I do love surprises, I like to limit what those kind of surprises can be.

Knowing the type of person I am, clearly, I am like a magnet for anxiety! And, of course, seeing this as a problem, I am quick to look for a solution. How do I solve this problem? How do I conquer my fear without it conquering me? Well, what I can tell you, is that the perfect place to begin is at the root. What is the foundation of my fear? Rejection. This means that something has happened in my past that has caused me to feel certain, negative emotions that initiated the fear factor. My negative emotions are not connected to the event or person itself, but it is to how it made me feel. So, whenever anything happens (trigger) that causes me to feel similar emotions today, I am instantly reminded of those past events and that increases those intense emotions that translates into anxiety. I become anxious, uneasy, unsettled, irritable, I panic. In those moments it becomes difficult to focus on anything but what I consider to be a problem that I can’t gain control of. 

Thursday morning I awoke, feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted, because of what I’d been struggling with. My fear of rejection. I’d been planning to write a blog on this topic for awhile, but 24 days went by and I just had no idea what to say or where to begin. But, that morning, I lay there, knowing how blessed I am to have what I have and who I have in my life, but was yet afraid that my fear could cause me  to forfeit God’s blessings. I ended up writing this poem instead. Normally, my poems are about my personal experiences and typically end with a positive spin or perspective meant to encourage others. Not this time. I felt like I had no answer, when usually, I do. I had no answers. No word of hope. Nothing more to say. Just raw emotion. 

Today is Sunday. And, I still have no answers. But someone dropped a word of encouragement in my inbox the same day, without knowing what I was dealing with prior to. I was reminded of Proverbs 3: 5 – 6 which says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight.” This was not only a great answer to my having no answers, but also to my struggle with anxiety. The root of my anxiety is fear, and fear is something that will always present itself. But, whatever the circumstance may be, the answer or solution will always be to trust God no matter what! Regardless of my understanding, I just need to trust him, not rely on my own understanding or inability to understand and to just submit to the process. In Philippians 4:6, we are instructed to be anxious for nothing! He wouldn’t instruct us to do something we aren’t capable of doing or that he is not willing to help us do. Knowing this, I know that I can and will conquer anxiety, so that it does not conquer me! 

 

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