Everyday it’s an ongoing battle
I’m at war with myself
With my thoughts
Everyday, haunted with memories and fears
Constantly fighting off negative thoughts
What if this and what if that?
And, what lies beneath it all, I have discovered is fear
Fear of what exactly?
What is it that I’m afraid of
What am I trying so hard to protect myself from?
I’m afraid of being hurt and rejected
I’m afraid of the tears, the loneliness and heartbreak
I’m afraid of the disappointment
The worst days of my life were the most painful
I fear feeling how I felt then, again
Memories of those moments, they come back to haunt me
So, everyday I’m fighting off negative thoughts that try to consume me
And hold me captive to my past
Everyday it’s a fight
Everyday it’s a struggle
And, I want to fight because I can
But, can I be honest.. I’m tired
I’m tired of having to fight
I’m tired of facing the lingering fear of rejection
Sometimes, I wish someone could fight for me
Or, that I didn’t have to fight at all
Wish I could get rid of this fear once and for all
How do I get this fear under subjection?
Because it accompanies me daily like I’m the object of it’s affection
I’ve become it’s kryptonite
So, I try to be strong
Act like nothing’s wrong
I wasn’t given the spirit of fear
So how do I let it go?
How do I conquer it before it conquers me?
How do I find the motivation to fight daily?
They said to guard my heart
So, I used that to justify putting up a wall
But walls don’t stop you from falling
But, can cause you to lose everything you’ve ever wanted
Fear distracts and fear destroys if it’s not destroyed first
Fear has it’s place
But, not when it comes to peace of mind
I’m just out here, trying to find mine.
(Spoken Word Poem by Kezia Marie ©)
I’ve struggled with anxiety for awhile now. Most days, I have a good handle on it. But, some days, it gets the best of me. I have come to realize the the underlying cause of my anxiety and stress is fear; a fear of the things that I cannot control. Most of my worrying comes from worrying about the future. This makes sense, when I consider the type of person I am. I am goal oriented and solution focused. I dislike reflecting on the past if its not to learn from past experience with the expectation that I will benefit from it moving forward. I like to be in control, or at least have an awareness of what is going on with me and around me. But, we all know that, that is not how life works. We don’t get to be in control of everything. Some things happen unexpectedly and by chance. And, while I do love surprises, I like to limit what those kind of surprises can be.
Knowing the type of person I am, clearly, I am like a magnet for anxiety! And, of course, seeing this as a problem, I am quick to look for a solution. How do I solve this problem? How do I conquer my fear without it conquering me? Well, what I can tell you, is that the perfect place to begin is at the root. What is the foundation of my fear? Rejection. This means that something has happened in my past that has caused me to feel certain, negative emotions that initiated the fear factor. My negative emotions are not connected to the event or person itself, but it is to how it made me feel. So, whenever anything happens (trigger) that causes me to feel similar emotions today, I am instantly reminded of those past events and that increases those intense emotions that translates into anxiety. I become anxious, uneasy, unsettled, irritable, I panic. In those moments it becomes difficult to focus on anything but what I consider to be a problem that I can’t gain control of.
Thursday morning I awoke, feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted, because of what I’d been struggling with. My fear of rejection. I’d been planning to write a blog on this topic for awhile, but 24 days went by and I just had no idea what to say or where to begin. But, that morning, I lay there, knowing how blessed I am to have what I have and who I have in my life, but was yet afraid that my fear could cause me to forfeit God’s blessings. I ended up writing this poem instead. Normally, my poems are about my personal experiences and typically end with a positive spin or perspective meant to encourage others. Not this time. I felt like I had no answer, when usually, I do. I had no answers. No word of hope. Nothing more to say. Just raw emotion.
Today is Sunday. And, I still have no answers. But someone dropped a word of encouragement in my inbox the same day, without knowing what I was dealing with prior to. I was reminded of Proverbs 3: 5 – 6 which says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight.” This was not only a great answer to my having no answers, but also to my struggle with anxiety. The root of my anxiety is fear, and fear is something that will always present itself. But, whatever the circumstance may be, the answer or solution will always be to trust God no matter what! Regardless of my understanding, I just need to trust him, not rely on my own understanding or inability to understand and to just submit to the process. In Philippians 4:6, we are instructed to be anxious for nothing! He wouldn’t instruct us to do something we aren’t capable of doing or that he is not willing to help us do. Knowing this, I know that I can and will conquer anxiety, so that it does not conquer me!